Maybe not!

My last post was about being pregnant. It is with a heavy heart that I have to say that I miscarried this past Tuesday. It all started last Friday night when I started spotting and I was in the ER. By the way never go to the ER during a shift change. I sat around and waited for almost 2 hours for them to take my catheter out, because the nurses that just came on duty knew nothing about it even being in.

Tuesday I went to the Dr for a follow up and she did an ultrasound and the baby only measured 4 to 5 weeks and it hadn't grown any since the ultrasound at the ER. I should have been 7 weeks and 2 days. That night I started to bleed heavily. I won't go into anymore details, but I guess you get the picture.

Poor J he has been such a trooper through all of this. How the hell did I get so lucky to have a man like that. He has let me cry, yell, and scream at him and he just sits there and lets me. I even told him that I hated him and he said ok. Of course I don't hate him, I just hate the situation and it came out of my mouth that it was him. So of course I felt bad and I go upstairs to cry and even though I just told him I hated him he followed me upstairs and climbed into bed with me just to hold me while I cried. Now who could be mad at someone that will do that?

So now are new joke is do I hate him today or do I like him. He will ask me that every morning either when he calls me after PT or this morning he called me while I was at work and asked me. Of course he was calling to see what time I was coming home for lunch, but he had to ask if I hated him today or not.

Baby on board!

After almost 3 years minus training, a deployment, and countless other times apart, I am finally pregnant!!! I haven't been to the Dr yet, I go November 3, but by my calculations I am a little over 6 weeks. I should be due around June 17th.

This has been a long hard road, and at many times wondered if it was even worth the fight. The first time I say the positive test, I knew it was definitely worth every tear that I have shed. Needless to say I am over the moon happy.

J is just as happy as I am. He has went online and made a list of everything we need and the average price of it so we know how much money we need to save between now and probably March when we start buying stuff. He has already decided if we have a boy his room will be done in Mossy Oak camo. It is to cute and when someone says anything about the baby he just beams with happiness. I am blessed to have such a good man in my life.

Early Christmas anyone!!!

J wanted a new toolbox, one of those big ones that roll. So a couple weeks ago, they were HALF PRICED. Which for a $300 toolbox that is an awesome deal. I was going to get him one for Christmas anyways, so why not get it while it is on sale. I don't think it will get any better than that price between now and Christmas. I guess that shows how big of a markup those suckers have if they can sell them 1/2 off. Since I didn't have any place I could put it till Christmas and wrapping it would be a pain I just went ahead and gave it to him. He is so excited, but now he wants more tools to put in it.

I wanted a new camera. Mine is like 5 years old, just a little old cheap camera. I love taking pictures, but my camera sucked. So last weekend J bought me a new camera. I am so excited, I think I have taken pictures everyday since he gave it to me. It is amazing the much more fun taking pictures is now that I have a better quality camera.

How did we get to the end of September?

I keep saying I don't know how there is enough time to get everything accomplished. I go to bed and its the end of August, I wake up and its the end of September. I swear I am going to do better, I want to do better with my blogging. I just need more hours in the day to accomplish everything.

I had my tests ran from where I was in the ER. I have a VERY small fibroid. My Dr isn't worried, she just said that it is something that I now have to watch.

The things wrong with J have just been a roller coaster ride. His therapy is going so good. Our marriage is better than its ever been. He is dealing with things that should have been dealt with years ago. As he works through things other things pop up. Things that he didn't realize bothered him before. The therapist says this is normal. A person is has a couple things that really bother them and then there are others that are bother them, but the bigger things overshadow the smaller things and as the bigger things are dealt with the smaller things start coming out.

On top of his emotional and mental issues that are being handled, he is also having some physical problems. His knee is messed up. He is now in physical therapy for that and it looks like he might be headed to surgery to repair that. His hearing is also very much gone, so he will be getting hearing aids next month. The also want him to have a MRI done to make sure that there is not something else that is causing the hearing loss.

The Army has decided that he needs to go in front of the MRB. His paperwork was filed on the 23rd so he has 60 days to go in front of them. They will decided what they are going to do with him. He was told he could get medically discharged or they could just make him non deployable and let him finish out his contract. The Army is downsizing so not to sure the second option will happen. I knew all along that J was not in it for the long haul, but the thought of him getting out now scares the crap out of me. When he told me over lunch that his paperwork was filed I wanted to vomit.

We had plans, plans that involved him deploying again and saving all that extra money so we would have a down payment for a house. Now it looks like no matter what those plans are changing. But looking at the issues he is having I am happy that he won't be deploying again and him being worse than he already was.

Updates

My last blog I was saying how there just didn't seem like there was enough hours in a day anymore. Well add being sick to that and that will explain why I haven't blogged or even read any blogs in a good week. I swear, here we are the last week of August and it just seems like J got home a few weeks ago, its actually been almost 5 months.

J is still doing good with his counseling. I have went to 1 of his sessions and plan on going to more. He is still having issues, but he is working on it and I am proud of him for it. He goes the 7th for his hearing aids, which I am happy about that way he can't say he didn't hear me.

I went to a new gyn and she doesn't think that getting pregnant is going to be as hard as my other Dr was letting on. Yes its been awhile, but we have been under all kinds of stress. So we are just going to keep trying and now that most of the stress is gone for the time being we will see what happens. I really like my new dr and she is so optimistic that it is almost contagious. She didn't change anything like I thought she would.

Time

Where does the time go? I never seem to have enough time anymore. I wake and its August 1st, I blink and its the middle of the month. There just doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day anymore. I haven't been neglecting my blog or reading other blogs on purpose, its that I need more time in my day to get everything accomplished.

RIP

31 lost, 31 unwanted visits, 31 doors receive that dreaded knock, 31 families with shattered hearts, 31 pairs of boots lined up with rifles, dog tags and helmets, 31 comrades remembered and grieved for, 31 funeral services, 31 names on newly made grave markers, 31 empty places at the table, 31 souls who gave all and whose lives leave a void.


I meant to post this last night, but I fell asleep. This is the biggest fear of any family member of US military. My thoughts and prayers are with these families affected.

Move the F*^$ over

So one of my many pet peeves is not getting over for emergency vehicles. Yesterday me and J were on our way to Nashville and there was a major wreck on the interstate. So bad it blocked traffic on both the east and west bound lanes. Yeah it was BAD!!!! So we are sitting in traffic and hear sirens (obviously) once J realized the the sirens were coming from behind us he pulled his little car off into the median to allow the emergency vehicles to pass. But guess what none of the vehicles that were in front of us did anything to try to make a way for them to pass. Guess they didn't want to get there vehicles dirty since the median was muddy. I was so mad that I wanted to get out IN THE RAIN and go knock on all those vehicles to tell them to move the f*ck over.

I also would like to ask these same inconsiderate people how they would feel if a loved one was involved in that accident, and because of them not moving for the emergency personnel, that loved one died. The matter of minutes in an emergency situation can be life or death.

What is really bad is that in the state of TN it is a $500 fine for not getting over for emergency vehicles. Now I am not sure how they enforce this since they have bigger issues to deal with, but I think it would be nice for those inconsiderate SOBs to get a nice little ticket from TDOT or the state troopers or somebody just to say F*ck you, you should have got your wheels dirty and moved over.

New beginnings

J went to his first counseling session this week. I think just that one session has helped immensely. That probably sounds crazy to some of you, but there is just so much inside of him that he needs to get out, starting way back at his childhood before his dad passed away. The counselor wants to start off just talking with J, then eventually add me into the sessions. So he goes once a week for the month of August and then I will start going at the end of the month. J told me the night after the first session that he has never felt so good about the stuff from his past before. He was just amazed at how much he opened up to a complete stranger. He has even talked to me about stuff that in the 6 1/2 years together he has never even mentioned. He has told me about the day his dad died, which before he has always said he didn't want to talk about it. I didn't ask he just told then I asked questions and he answered them, which really surprised me. I hope that he continues to thrive with these sessions especially since he really didn't want to go in the first place, but now he is eager for his next session. I think he has finally seen he can move past his past and that it doesn't have to hinder his future. I just wish that if I would have known that counseling would help him this much that I would have encouraged him to go sooner,

Rough spot

A lot has happened since the last post I made. I lot of things that I needed to figure out on my own, and things me and J had to work on.

My last post talked about a decision to stay here at Fort Campbell or PCS to JBLM. We have decided that what is best for us is to stay here at Campbell. I am a little disappointed, just because of the adventure of moving on the other side of the country, but at this time for J's career, both in the military and once he gets out, it is best we stay here.

I have found a job. YAY!!! for a paycheck. Its really not what I wanted to do, but I do have some options that I am looking at. I just don't want to be a job hopper.

The thing that has really kept me from blogging is my marriage has hit a rough spot. I can't put the blame on either of us since we both have issues that need to be worked on. We have decided that we want to work them out so we are taking the steps to make our marriage stronger. Its not that we don't love each other, its that we both have issues that need to be worked on.

For pretty much the entire time we have been married we have been separated due to training and a deployment. So for 2 years I have been the one that had to make sure the bills got paid, that things were taken care of at home, if the car broke down I had to figure out how to get it fixed. J hasn't had to worry about that stuff. When he was deployed I didn't really tell him about the different stuff just because I didn't want to add stress on him. So pretty much for 2 years I have been on my own. It is really hard to just up and give someone else part of that control, I still feel like everything is still on me and my responsibility, which makes me mad because I don't feel like J is taking on any responsibility.

On J's part, for 2 years he has pretty much lived with other men and at times hygiene was not a top priority. He has also had some anger issues. So sometimes I think he forgets that he is living with a woman that is not a complete slob. Sometimes his mouth is a little crude and will talk to me in a condescending tone or will yell and cuss at me, and sometimes he doesn't pick up after himself.

It's like he is a child at times and I am his mother. I have to ask him to do stuff around the house, when it is obvious that it needs to get done. It didn't bother me so bad that he didn't do much around the house when I wasn't working, but now that I am, I need help. Some days I want to yell at him "If you want a maid, hire one. If you want a mother, move back in with yours."

So how do we fix something that has almost gotten out of control? First we bought the book The 5 Love Languages and we are working on trying to follow that. J starts counseling on Tuesday for his anger and other issues. We are not opposed to marriage counseling if these things don't work. I am trying to give up some of my control of things and give him responsibilities. We are in this for the long haul, we just need to get through this rough patch.

Decisions

J came home today and said "We need to talk" Before he enlisted that translated to "I got laid off", since he has to do something REALLY bad to get kicked out of the Army I wasn't to worried about that.

He proceeds to tell me that he and his 1SGT were talking and we now have 1 week to decide if we want to PCS to Joint Base Lewis-McChord. This was on top of my wish list, but now that it could possibly be a reality, it scares the shit out of me. It is a move across the country, to an area neither of us know anything about far away from our families (ok that scares me more than J, but still). We do have friends that are stationed there so we wouldn't totally be alone.

We need to figure out what is best for us, so I am going to list my pros and cons list here.

Pros of Fort Campbell- close to hometown, already sort of established here,

Cons of Fort Campbell- deploying next summer, having problems finding a job

Pros of JBLM- never been before and there is a lot of places I want to explore, the Clarks are there, won't have to deploy the rest of this enlistment, it was on my wish list, better chance of getting pregnant since J won't have rotations for training at different posts

Cons of JBLM- on the other side of the country, not sure how the job market is

Those are all I can think of right now, I am sure there are more, but my mind has been so jumbled up that I can't think clearly right now. It looks like the pros of JBLM outweigh the cons and Fort Campbell, but we will just need to see where this goes.

I just can't!

I have tried to sit down and blog a couple of times since my last post. I have so much going through my head that I need to get out, but when I sit down to write, I can't. I can't get my thoughts together. I can't concentrate on what I am doing. I just can't.

On Father's Day I was going to write about it being Father's Day and how great my Dad and Grandpa are. How I hope this is J's last not being a father. But all I could get out was ... nothing.

I have wanted to talk about our new dog and how we are adjusting and the silly things she does. Still ... nothing

I needed to get out my frustrations and my impatience of not getting pregnant, when there are so many woman it comes so easily to. Yep, still nothing.

Or what about my frustrations and impatience of not finding a job... Nada!

So maybe one day I will be able to sit down and just get it all out, but it doesn't look like it will be in the near future.

1 year!!!!

I have had this blog for 1 year now. It is crazy to think of what all has happened in the past year. Its hard to believe how fast the year has gone by, and at this point last year I could not wait to get to where I am today.

1 year ago today, was the day before J left for his deployment. We had went to a B&B to spend our last night together. It was a great way to have one last chance to just be us before all the craziness of the deployment started.

Today the deployment is just a memory. We have a few months before we start gearing up for the next one. Tonight we are just hanging out at the house doing our regular thing. Acting like an old married couple, watching tv till it gets dark then off to bed.

1 year ago I did not know how in the hell I was going to make it through a deployment. For over 5 years I had J be my side even when he was in BCT and AIT, I still felt like J was by my side. What in the world was I going to do.

I found out how to make it through a deployment. One day at a time and when that is to hard one hour at a time. I guess the old saying is true: "You don't know how strong you are till being strong is your only option."

So Sunday we went to that benefit I talked about last time. We had a good time until J spilled his drink in his lap and got mad/embarrassed/whatever and insisted that we leave. I met a lot of guys from his unit. Since he was moved mid deployment I didn't know anyone in his unit until he got back. They all seem like a great group of men. I met a few spouses/fiances/girlfriends while I was there. They all seemed really nice to. I hope since we found out that J won't be going back to his old unit that I can get to know some of these ladies in the near future. The benefit raised a lot of money for the Sgt and his family. It was so inspiring to see this family. They had a tragedy and are making the best out of the situation. I hope we never have to go through anything like that, but if we do I hope we have half the strength that this family has shown.

Baby nephew is finally home. He got to go home yesterday. Everyone is so relieved that this chapter is over. We do know that there will be another surgery. The Dr said that it will usually happen when the child grows over 100 lbs so unless something happens this is still a few years off. I want to thank each and everyone of you that has said a prayer or sent well wishes during this time.

I can't remember is I said we got a dog. If I didn't we got a 1 1/2 yo chihuahua/ dachshund mix (chiweenie). Her name is Dixie and for the most part we couldn't ask for a better dog. She is truly a daddy's girl. When J is home she is at his heels anywhere he goes. If he goes to the bathroom she sits outside the door waiting. If he goes outside and she doesn't she will sit at the door and whine until he either lets her out with him or he comes back in. She is so good during the day that he is gone, but once he is home I don't exist anymore unless J is near me or I am cooking.

J signed in today. Our vacation is officially over. We had a great time, saw some people we hadn't seen in a while, and made a few memories to last us a life time. I think this is what we both needed.

One of my highlights was taking my nephews M & N to Hooters. N wanted his picture taken with the waitress so bad so he asked her. I told him I was going to put it on FB he told me that he didn't want me to in case his other girlfriends saw it. We also took them to the dock and let them feed fish out of baby bottle.

We went to hospital and saw baby nephew B. He is doing so well. He has been moved to a regular room this weekend. My brother and SIL got to hold him for the first time since his surgery yesterday. That was a great mood lifter for everyone. We are going back tomorrow and I can't wait to get my hands on the little guy.

Tomorrow will be a busy day. Besides going to the hospital we are going to a benefit for the Sgt that was with J when he was involved in the IED blast. He unfortunately lost both of his legs below the knees. A business man in Nashville is helping them raise money so they can build a house to accommodate a double amputee. I think this is going to be a bittersweet experience for J. This will be the first time he has seen him since the incident. I hope they are able to raise enough money to help him.

God is Good!!!

Baby Bo had his surgery yesterday. It was only suppose to be about 3-4 hours, but it turned into a 10 hour surgery. There were complications that the surgery team was not prepared for. Thankfully they knew what they were doing and were able to handle it. Bo has made it through the first night and is getting his chest closed today. Next step is to be taken off the ventilator and moved out of the PCCU. God has been very good to this little boy.

Vacation

Since the beginning of the month J has had leave. We have put almost 4000 miles on the car just visiting. J is finally acting more and more like his old self. It still comes and goes, but now when it comes it does stay longer and it is more frequent.

We started our vacation off by going to my Grandpa's in IL. There we just hung out and ate. While we were there we spent Mother's Day with my sister that I have not seen since our wedding. I also got to meet her husband for the first time. That sounds crazy since their son is graduating high school, but that is a long and complicated story.

From IL we then went to Myrtle Beach with an overnight stop at my parents. While in MB we stayed with J's buddy from AIT. He had just got home from a year in Korea. It was good to see J just relax. I think this was the first time that J was truly not on "high alert" since he got home.

From MB we went to his Grandparent's in Jacksonville, NC. I enjoyed my time there. We went crabbing, which is something I enjoy doing even though I can't eat the fruits of my labor, J loves crab and he says there is nothing better than catching crabs then going home to eat them.

From his Grandparent's we went to Greeneville. We will be here till sometime next week. My nephew is having open heart surgery tomorrow and we are here to help with my other 2 nephews. We haven't done anything spectacular here, but its nice just to veg out and relax.

From here we will go back to Fort Campbell and begin the next chapter of our lives since once the post deployment leave is over the chapter of our first deployment will be as well.

Realizations

Its been a few weeks since I have blogged. J got 30 days leave and we have been traveling and visiting. I have tried to sit down on several occasions to put my thoughts down but I have had so many things going on in my head that I couldn't get it together.

In the last 3 weeks I have come to a realization. My life in the civilian world is pretty much over. My civilian friends don't understand my military life. I am the only one that has made any kind of effort to keep these friendships going unless they needed something. J said something that pretty much summed things up. He said he was tired of chasing people that just have to see him while he is home, but don't make the effort to even communicate with him when he is 5 hours away.

Other than my family I don't feel like I have anyone that is truly there for me in the civilian world. Why? Because they don't know what its like to not sleep for days wondering if that knock is coming, or if he is going to come home a completely different man. They don't understand the pain and the heartache that comes with TBI test that doesn't come back clean.

The also don't understand the pride and the love it takes to stand out in the freezing cold to watch your man get off that plane. They don't understand the high of getting that first kiss in months. This is why I go through the things I do, because so far the highs in this life have been so much better than the lowest of the lows.

I have also come to realize that just because you are blood related it doesn't make you a family. For the most part my blood family is great, there are a few loose screws, but I didn't have much to do with them in the first place. Unfortunately J's blood family is entirely different. It is sad that it took 10 months in a war zone for us to finally realize who was there for us and who wasn't. Saying negative things, but thinking that its ok because you prayed for us is NOT alright by either of us. Saying you took care of him while he was gone but in reality didn't do a damn thing for him is not being a wonderful family member. And then they want to wonder why J doesn't want anything to do with them.

This life is not always easy. We have had our bumps in the road. You are either there for us or your not. If your not then don't expect us to be there for you.

Bittersweet

The Taliban said it they were starting their "spring offensive", Guess it didn't start they way they wanted it to. Last night was the night many of us have waited for for almost a decade. The mastermind of 9/11 was killed. Many people are celebrating and saying that May 1st should be a holiday.

I am very happy that he was killed, BUT I don't think a lot of people realize that America just pissed off a whole group of people. We have taken out their leader. These people are going to want revenge.

We have men and women still overseas that may very well be in more danger today than they were yesterday. Last night I was so thankful that J was home, but it still doesn't mean that I am not scared for our servicemembers. I still have friends over there, I have friends set to deploy very soon.

May everyone that has died because of this man now be able to REST IN PEACE!

Just need to vent!

My nephew had a puppet competetion today. He did exceptionally well and his group won 1st place in their division. Yay!!! I am so proud of him.

Me and J went to watch and let me tell you the stuff leding up to the puppet part was boring. My nephew had trouble sitting still, but hey so did I. I can't blame the poor little guy.

All the other kids in his group seemed to have had a portable game system of some sort. His aunt from the other side of his family doesn't allow that sort of stuff. Well J pulled out his phone because he has games on it. Nephew sat there very quietly playing the game. I heard that if his father (my brother) wants him to behave badly and have bad habits that will have to be when he is with him. Umm he is sitting there quietly with the game. Without the game is his fidgeting, talking, and just being a bored little boy.

During intermission, the other aunt jumped all over my nephew because he is not to be playing games he is to be paying attention. I totally get that he needs to learn to sit quietly through boring stuff, but he is 7. His attention span is about the size of a pin prick. 3 hours is a long time to expect him to sit there and be good all the while everyone else has something to do.

Me and J had to leave shortly there after for fear that a scene would be caused. After we left I called my brother and he was not surprised. I told him that she might need to be reminded that she is not in charge and she is no better than me. We are both this boy's aunt and if I can get him to behave and she can't then she should be happy. I am not going to have her dictate how I treat my nephew and if he is behaving in a situation like that, then that is all that matters.

Tornados

The southeast has been hit hard with tornados. I think I read somewhere that there were something like 148 reported tornados. Unfortunetly my hometown suffered from those tornados. Last I had heard 7 dead, hundreds injured, and hundreds homeless.

I am very thankful that my family is alright. Unfortunetly a girl I went to school with lost her father. Another friend lost a friend. And I can't even begin to list the friends that's family has had damage to their homes.

I have sat here almost all day watching facebook, listening to the live feed of the 911 scanner for Greene County, and calling friends and checking on them. My heart just breaks everytime I hear something else bad or see another devastating picture.

I feel like I should be on my way home to help. But what can I do? I don't own a chainsaw so I can't help with the downed trees. I don't know the first thing about home repairs so can't help there. I feel so helpless, like there is something that I should be doing, besides sitting here crying. So I have been doing the only thing I know how to do at this point in time. And that is PRAY.

I have prayed for the families. I have prayed for the rescue workers out there searching for the missing and recovering the deceased. That must be hard. I pray for the Drs and nurses at the hospitals. I pray that these people that have been devastated and nowhere to live have insurance that will help them rebuild, because of course this had to happen in one of the poorer sections of the county.

If the tornados were not bad enough, there are now people that are coming into the devastated areas and stealing what is still good. How can these people do this? Do they have no conscense? I truely hope that these scumbags rot in hell.

Just Married

For the first time in over 2 years I feel like I am married. This is the first time that we don't have training or a deployment looming over our heads. I am just as happy now as I was the day we got married.

After the wedding it was a feeling of dread because I knew we only had a few weeks to move and get ready for him to leave for BCT. We went 90 days with little communication. After the 90 days was AIT, we had better communication and I lived close enough that I could visit, but the visits were only once a month.

After AIT we got stationed here and had less than a month to gear up for JRTC. There went a month with zero communication. But we made it through.

After JRTC we had about 8 weeks before deployment. Deployment communication varied greatly. In the beginning there was a ton of communication, then it went to once every 10 days, down to a couple times a month at best.

We have no training scheduled in the near future, deployment is set for late 2012-early 2013. No commitments that will keep us away from each other for any length of time.

So it looks like for atleast the next year and a half its going to be a "normal" life. We go to work, well he goes to work until I find a job, come home and get up and do it all over again the next day. We have lived on hardly no communication for 2 years now. I hope we have things to talk about. I hope we still like each other as much as we did when we were just living together. Everyone says marriage changes things so I guess we will see.

But for now I am going to enjoy the "Just Married" feeling. I will worry about the old married couple later.

Changes

We went back to our hometown this past weekend and if I heard it once I heard it a hundred times. J just isn't the same, have you noticed? How can I not notice? People act like it is some big surprise that he has changed. After the things he has done and seen, I can't say I blame him.

He is so angry all the time. It is almost like he is looking for an argument. My brother told him that he was an a$$hole to everyone but me. Guess it could be worse he could be an a$$hole just to me. I am just waiting for a major blowup between him and someone, not sure yet who but someone.

His language is terrible. Now I cuss so I can't say much, but his is terrible. It is almost like he cusses just to hear him cuss. Its F this or S.O.B. that. Quite frankly I am tired of listening to it. It is not so bad if we are at home, but its like we get out in public and he has no filter what so ever.

J has admitted that he is having anger issues and is willing to seek treatment, but his cussing I was told that he wasn't changing it. Guess I am either going to have to hope that he calms it down, get used to it,or quit going places with me.

I am beginning to wonder if all of this is part of his readjustment period or if it is something more serious. I have read up on PTSD and even TBI. He is showing signs of PTSD, but then again he has only been back for a little over 2 weeks so it still could be readjustment.

The new normal

So many people have said that I should be happy that my life is back to normal. I am so happy my husband is home safe. What they don't understand that for 10 months my normal was having a deployed husband. Before that my normal was having a husband that I only was able to see for a couple days a month because he was in AIT and before that he was in BCT so the only form of communication we had was the old fashion writing letters and sending them through the mail. We have not had a "normal" marriage like people with no affiliation to the military have.

At homecoming the MFLC (Military Family Life Councilor) asked me how long I had been married. My response to that was 2 years legally, but it only feels like 6 months because that is all we have been together. Those 6 months weren't even consecutive, that is a couple weeks here and a month there.

My new normal is now having a husband that I have been with for 6 years that sometimes I don't feel like I know who he is anymore. His new normal is feeling like a stranger to his own wife. That is all stuff that we have to work through and we will find yet again a new normal for us, only then to adapt to yet another change whether it be another deployment or a PCS or maybe even something totally different that I have not even considered yet.

I was told that I should be relieved that he is home. Yes I am relieved, my husband walked off that plane and didn't come home any other way. But this war doesn't stop because he is home. 2 days after he came home I got word that a friend had been KIA. How can anyone be relieved that they have to tell their husband that a friend had died? How can anyone be relieved that in a few short months her husband will be training to go back to the same hell that he just came home from?

Did I know what I was getting into? Yes I did. I know all the possibilities of being married to a man in the military, the good the bad and the ugly. Was I prepared for this? I like to think I was as prepared as one can be that has never had to experience any of this. I hope next deployment I am a little bit more prepared because I know what to expect.

I guess the whole point of this rambling is that I don't need people telling me I should be this or I should be that. I am not them, I have not walked in their shoes nor have they in mine. I am full of emotions at this point in time and I have to be the one to work through them. I don't need someone that hardly knows me and/or has never taken the time to get to know me tell me how I should feel or what I should do. What I need is for people to keep their opinions to themselves and let me and J figure it out on our own, because I can promise that we will figure out what is best for us long before anyone else will.

Homecoming

Saturday evening J came home. It was the best feeling in the world. I didn't actually see him walk off the plane, but seeing him walk up the flight line, then watching them march into the hangar was amazing. I am crying just thinking about it. We were able to spend 15 minutes together before they had to go turn in their weapons and SI. After a couple hours he was able to come home. I use the term home loosely, yes it is now his home, but it is not set up and everything is not moved in yet.

The transition of him now being home has went fairly smoothly. We were looking for a washer and dryer and he decided he needed to tuck in his shirt, so while we are standing in the middle of the store he undoes his pants and starts tucking in his shirt. I was mortified, but he was like I have been around nothing but men for 10 months.

Once we get everything moved in and get settled in I think we will be able to get back to a more normal way of life.

Overwhelmed

The countdown to days until J comes home is down to 1 hand (I can say this because it has been officially announced the date and time of his flight). I was trying to get boxes packed so that once we are able to move our stuff it will go smoothly. Probably not if what this little moving adventure has been so far. All I could do was sit there and cry.

I cried because I do not like the area we are moving to. It is the buttcrack of America. The only good part about it is that it is close enough to home that we can come home for weekends. I have a couple of good friends there, but this is definitely not the place I would like to lay down my roots. The only positive is that J will be there with me.

I cried because I feel like a failure. I had every good intention of having our place unpacked and it feel like home by the time J walked through the door. That is not going to happen. Instead of coming home and being able to climb into our bed, J will be climbing onto an air mattress. Instead of sitting on our comfortable couch or lounge around on our chaise, J will be sitting his butt on a futon. I failed to have a home for J to come home to, now it is just a townhouse with a few boxes and not very homey.

I cried because there is so much going on in my family. I feel like I am running when the going gets tough. I guess I will have to be a shoulder to cry on from a far.

I cried because there is so much to do and so little time to do it. You would think that I had 10 months to prepare for this move, that I would be ready and now I am down to days and don't know where to begin.

I guess this is just one of the many joys of being an Army wife. Time for me to pull my big girl panties up and handle business.

Crazy Crazy Crazy

So much has this week and its only Wednesday. My 2 year anniversary was Monday. YAY!!!!! We will celebrate once J gets home. 2 years in a row now J has been gone. When I talked to him he said that his next deployment has been moved back from summer to winter next year. Yay for that!

On Tuesday my Mom and I went to Clarksville to find a place to live. I found a cute little townhouse that allows dogs. We were able to get lights and water turned on. When the water was turned on the release valve had to be flipped, but no one had told me this so my hot water heater decided it was going to empty all the water so my living room flooded. All I could really do is sit there and cry. My mom was so calm cleaning everything up and I was hysterical. On a good note they had a maintence man there and he was able to flip the valve and get it to quit running. We got the water mopped up.

My baby nephew was diagnosed with Teralogy of Fallot on Tuesday, basically that is a hole in the heart, and stenosis of the valve leading to the lung. Back in the 70s it was called Blue Baby. His medical files were sent to Vanderbuilt and it looks like surgery will be in his near future. The Dr's prognosis is good so we are very encouraged about that and my brother has already spoke to some people that have had chidren with this and they are all doing well. It is very scary though to think that a baby that tiny will have to go through all of that.

Today has just been exhausting. I didn't sleep well on Monday and left at 430 on Tuesday and didn't get home till 0015 on Wednesday. Then had to get up and go to work this morning. Tonight will be an early night that will be for sure.

So frustrated

I am so frustrated with this whole finding an apartment thing. I call today to talk to the rental company. I let them know that I was able to get the correct POA. I told him that it was printed off the computer where he emailed it to me. They say they have to see the original, but I can have J email the original to them. Knowing my husband he probably deleted the email after it was sent and lost the original. I understand that there are rules and they are trying to protect the MM from pissed off spouses who run up debt and what not in service member's names, but this is really getting frustrating.

I will just be so glad when all this is over. When I have a place for us to live, when I have everything set up the way we want it, and when J gets home.

Realizations

I was talking to a friend today and she asked how much longer I had until J came home. I told her and it just hit me like WOW that is so close. Now I just need to go into over drive and get everything I need done before he gets home done.

Its such a bittersweet moment. On the one hand, my heart will be whole again. I will just be complete. I have been miserable without J here. I will be back with my Army friends and I will have that support that I don't have when I am with people that do not have any idea about the military.

On the other hand, it means another move. Moving away from my friends and family again. It means that I have to leave my nephews again. It means I will be unemployed again. It means that I have to live in Clarksville. Everyone talks about how wonderful it is, but I don't like it one bit.

I guess when you list the pros and cons of J coming home the good outweigh the bad. I will be standing there when he gets off that plane and I will be by his side as he readjusts back to being home.

Lesson learned

Today was the redeployment brief. YAY!!!!! We are this close to being done. After the brief I was going to go look at places to live. Yay that didn't work so well.

I go to the rental place and the lady asks to see my POA (power of attorney). I pull it out and hand it to her for her to notice that it is for government quarter only. WE DON'T WANT GOVERNMENT QUARTERS! I am sure the rental lady thought I was a real whack job all I could do was cry when she told me that wasn't the right POA. Then to beat it all my general POA (which would have worked) expired on Jan 1.

I am not sure who I am the maddest at.
1. The JAG officer for giving us the wrong POA, but then again maybe he wasn't told we needed a POA fr civilian housing
2.J for not getting a POA for civilian housing instead of government quarter. He is the one that is adament on living off post.
3. Me for not looking over the POA and making sure it was the one I needed before he left.

I guess the lesson I learned is double and triple check the POAs before he leaves next time. Because now unless some miracle happens and I can find a place that will take a copy and not an original we will be staying in a hotel when he first gets home, because I can't get anything in my name since I don't have a job in the area I am needing to rent in.

Bad dreams

As J's deployment was becoming more and more real I started having terrible nightmares. Stuff that you see on movies that happen to the bad guys. Think the movie "The Patriot" starring Mel Gibson when that one Red Coat's head gets blown off. They were terrible but luckily they didn't last to long.

Now that we are quickly approaching homecoming, those nightmares are returning with a venegance. They are 10x worse than before. I am not understanding why now that we are so close to being done they are returning.

I have enough on my mind, I don't need my mind wondering like that.

what to do

Finding us a place to live by looking on the internet has not been fun. Last night I sat down with pen and paper and just wrote down every place that would fit in our criteria (J says I am to picky) There were about 12 places (so obviously I can't be THAT picky). Today on my lunch break I called all but just a couple of those places and have now narrowed my search down to 2 possibly 3 places. I feel like a major weight has been lifted off of me. I am going next Friday to look at these places and hopefully one of them will be what I am looking for. Then that will be 1 more major thing to check off my to do list. The last major thing will be moving and getting settled in.

This morning I was trying to turn on the heat in J's car and I break off the temperature switch. The part is $335 brand new. I am hoping I can find a used one at the junk yard. I hope J doesn't get mad. I showed my nephew and he says he thinks we can use either pliers or a vicegrip until I can afford the part.

Things I have learned

Another month is coming to a close. That means I only have 1 full month and a partial month left of this deployment. I have learned so many things while J has been gone. Some good, some bad, some breaks my heart, and some I am so glad I learned.

1. People that do not have any affiliation to the military really have no clue. How can someone compare an overnight business trip or even a couple days to a year-ish long deployment. How can you compare your husband sleeping in a 4 star hotel to mine sleeping on the ground in full battle rattle?

2.That I am stronger than I thought. I can be independent. I don't need J's input on everything. I still want it, especially with major decisions.

3.Cherish the moments, when your loved one is gone its the memories that you sleep with at night. You don't fully realize how much you miss someone until its the little things that you miss.

4. That if there is something you don't want to talk about the best thing to say is I don't know. If you answer with I don't want to talk about it some people will continue to try to talk to you about it, but if you play dumb and stick to it then people will quit asking. It also stops them from asking things in the future. This also helps with stuff that you can't and/or don't want to share with others. Sometimes there are things you just can't say over the phone or on the computer. This may sound selfish or childish but when you have people on your case all the time for information sometimes it is the best thing to say.

5. I have learned who my true friends are. It is sad to say that people that I thought would be there for me through thick and thin have only been there when it would benefit them. Even on the good days. People that I did not really think I could have depended have proved me wrong. I guess I need to learn to be a better at picking my friends.

6. Saying goodbye after R&R is a lot harder than saying goodbye for the first time. I had heard this on a forum I am a part of at the start of this deployment and I could not understand how that could be true, but after having to do both I now understand.

Five question Friday

I saw this on a blog I follow and thought this would be fun. On Fridays you answer 5 questions about yourself.

1. Can you drive a stick shift?
Yes I can, very well actually. I have been driving one since I had to drive my brother around when he would get drink. He I think was 18 or 19 so that would make me about 14 or 15. My vehicle I drive now is a stick, but after driving one day in an day out for so long, I think my next vehicle will be an automatic

2. What are two foods you just can't eat?
I can't eat fish or seafood due to allergies.
2 foods I refuse to eat are mushrooms because it reminds me of having a cold and having snot slide down your throat and raw onions. I just can't stand the taste. I will eat them if they are cooked weird I know

3. Do you buy Girl Scout Cookies? What is your favorite kind?
Oh yes. I am in love with Thin Mints. Somedays they are God's gift and other days they are the devil.

4. How do you pamper yourself?
I love pedicures. As a matter of fact I am getting one tomorrow. I have also introduced myself to massages. Oh how wonderful those things are.


5. What is your nickname and how did you get it?
Family and close friends call me Mandi. My 4 year old nephew used to call me Amy but now calls me Mandi. I miss him calling me that.

I got J's car today. The dealership agreed to do some minor repairs. My family was going out to eat and my brother was in the backseat. He opens up the ashtray and what does he find? Some jewelry. I am pretty sure that it is the real mccoy. There is a part of me that says I should contact the dealership and try to find out who the previous owner was so I can give them back their jewelry. But then I get to thinking that its now my car so therefore anything that is in the car is mine. I guess they should have done better when they were cleaning out the car before trading it in. I am going to wait till I can talk to J to see if he wants any of it. It is obviously men's jewelry and if not I will take to a place that buys gold and make some money off of it.

Its kind of funny because this car is exactly like mine, with a few exceptions like color, no sunroof, and no factory sound system. It the same year, same body style, everything. His car does have rims, where my car has the factory wheels. He is so excited about his car. I hope he will keep it nice. He has a tendency to beat the piss out of his vehicles and then it looks and runs like crap. I will be so mad if he does that to this one.

Things I don't like about J being home.

J will be home soon and I started thinking about all the stuff that will change once he gets home. I am very excited that he will be home, but there are some things that I dread. I thought it would be fun to list the things that I don't like about him being home.

1. Smelly PT gear. There is nothing worse than not being able to find where a smell is coming from only to find a smelly sock under the bed or behind the dresser.

2.Having clothes strung from one end of the house to the other because he can't put his clothes including the smelly socks in the hamper.

3. Having to make dinner every night. I like having cereal, fruit, or some other easy meal. He will want a good meal at night.

4.Having to watch his shows. We have different tastes in shows so it can be an argument when we both want to watch stuff at the same time.

5. Sharing the bed and the pillows. After a year of sleeping by myself or one of my nephews, it will be an adjustment to have another adult in the bed with me.

6.Waking up at O'dark thirty because he can't wake up to his alarm on his own. He has to have it go off for 30 minutes before he decides to get up.

Really people

I have been slacking on my blogging. It is getting close to J being home and it just feels like there are not enough hours in my day anymore. There is just to much to do. I will be so glad to have a day to myself. Since I honestly can't remember everything that has happened since my last blog, I am going to just talk about this week.

I was looking for a car for J when he gets home. I found a car online and went up to look at it. I got a bad vibe from the salesman from the start but J really wanted the car so I decided to over look it. Well wouldn't you know we butted heads. I wanted things done or I was not willing to sign papers and he just wanted me to sign papers. Needless to say it didn't work for me and I left as I was leaving he called me a very derogatory name and it wan't the b (I could have handled being called that) Instead of knocking his teeth down his throat I just told him to go do improper things to himself and I was very explict. I get home and make a status on facebook about what happened and what I said. You would have thought I murdered someone. I think my aunt and uncle called everyone in the family about my post. UM REALLY?!?!?!?! How old are we? Last time I checked I was on a computer that I bought and I am an adult.

Anyway I ended up reporting the salesman and ended up getting the car at a better deal that he was offering. If J didn't want the car so bad I would have never went back up there, but I know J would be over the moon when I told him it was his. I was kind of nervous that he would be mad about me going back after what transpired the night before since he called me in the middle of me being mad about the salesman and then my aunt and uncle. I was able to talk to him tonight and he was happy.

Work is still crazy. I am almost able to count down the weeks on one hand of the time I have left there. And then only a couple weeks after that till J gets home. I am so excited.

Grrrrr

I haven't been blogging in a couple weeks, cause me life has just been absolutely crazy. It is tax time so it is long hours for me at work. I can not understand how people can make only a couple thousands of dollars and expect more in a tax return than what they made. REALLY people. Get a job all year long so you don't have to worry about only getting a small return. Or my favorite is the IRS delays their refund and its our fault at work. Excuse me I do not make the decisions for the IRS. GRRRRR I hate this time of year. It really makes me wonder what these people do in say May and they are broke. So I am working 50+ hours to be cussed at and have these people act like they are better than I am because they don't "have" to work all year just enough to get a return. I want to tell them "you know what I don't HAVE to work either, I have a husband that makes enough for us to survive comfortably and I am not fretting over when I get our tax return. I choose to work, you should try it sometime."

J called me last week to tell me there was an "incident" but he was alright. He then calls me on Friday night to tell me that he has to go in for a TBI scan. Scared the shit out of me. Thankfully his scan came back good. I was wound tighter than a tick for a couple days worried that there was something he wasn't telling me. I am sure there is stuff that he hasn't told me, but he is alive so I can deal with the rest of that stuff.

I went yesterday and cut my hair off. It amazes me how much better a new haircut can make a person feel. J probably won't like it because he likes my hair long, but it will grow long again and then I will get another wild hair and cut it off again.

Why O Why

I swear this has just been one of those weeks. Lets start with my car is still in the shop. My clutch was found to have the arms bent and the mechanic forgot to lubricate it before putting it in. So the old mechanic said that it was under warrenty. It was suppose to be here today, but guess what? It wasn't. I am so frustrated with all this. Thank goodness my brother works 3rds so I have been driving his truck, but it seems like he has had to have it every morning this week, so bumming rides then he get done he comes and gets me and I take my lunch break so that I can take him home.

I woke up Sunday with the worse sinus headache, ears hurt, throat hurts, just generally felt bad. Went to the dr and he gave me a steriod shot yesterday, so I have ate everything in sight and go from sweating to chilling. I hate steriods.

Monday I realize I had a virus on my laptop. Stupid Frostwire! Thankfully I was able to get it fixed rather quickly.

J has been able to call a couple times, but I feel like he is so distracted. I don't feel like he has really listened to me. I just can't wait for him to be home.

On a good note, my Dr said that if I wasn't pregnant by 6 months after J got home then he would refer us to a specialist. I am so ready for J to be home and get this ball rolling. My Dr is so funny he said when J gets home we need to "make love like rabbits" Lol I had to laugh when he said that. I finally feel like things are moving along, J will be home for longer time frame than a couple months at a time and we can really try to have a baby. Now if I can only change his mind about what he wants to name our baby if we have a boy (Yes we already have names picked out)

The starts to my spring cleaning

Since J will be home in the next few months and I will be moving back to Campbell, I started my spring cleaning. I have 6 garbage bags and 3 boxes full of stuff. I am talking clothes, books, decorations, purses, shoes, pretty much you name I got it to go. So I was looking around thinking how do I have so much stuff to get rid of? And how do I have so much stuff left? All this stuff is my stuff. Not J's,not my mom's, but MY stuff. I keep telling myself that I will have a yard sale, but in all reality I won't ever have one. Its to much of a hassle so off to the goodwill all this stuff will go. I am hoping I can get everything straightened out soon, my bedroom is turned upside down right now. Why is it when I clean I make a bigger mess that I have to straighten out? I keep telling myself that I won't accumilate so much stuff again, but who am I kidding? Come next year I will probably have just as much to get rid of.

Really?

I have talked before about the problems I have had with my car. So I take it to the new mechanic yesterday and it takes him about 5 seconds to figure out where the problem was. Unfortunately it could be a number of things ranging from very simple to very not so simple. He has to take out my whole transmission to find out exactly what the problem is. As he is closing the hood I notice that a part is missing. The old mechanic had forgotten to put on the tube to my air intake. I call the old mechanic and I am told that they have to look in the bin where they put the parts they forget to put back on. UMM WHAT?!?!?!?! This happens often enough you have a bin? So needless to say my dad was there picking up my part. At least they did not throw it out or something and I had to buy a new one. Needless to say I am even more upset then I was before.

So frustrated

A good way to start this is saying that I talked to J and I now know the month and the part of the month that he is suppose to be home. YAY!!!!! My love will be whole again. My Donut of Misery is saying that the light at the end of the tunnell is getting brighter. Yes, Yes it is. I have already got on the housing websites and looked at places for us to live. I am not doing anything just yet, but I can dream on.

So now the frustrating parts. I call his mom to let her know and when I tell her its like I told her that I told her something she did not want to hear. She says to me Oh have you seen J's stepbrother's (who I have never met and I think J has only met once) facebook. Umm no we are not friends on facebook. So she proceeds to tell me about it. Then I try to get back on J's homecoming and that he would like it if she could come at all possible and she tells me that she is going to AZ to see her new granddaughter. She is having withdraws from not seeing her since she was born 3 weeks ago. But she does want J to take leave and spend a week at the beach with the family 2 months after he gets back. I tell her that he gets block leave after he gets back so not sure if that would be possible. She didn't even seem dissappointed. I just don't get it.

Then we have had crazy snow since last week. My boss has not been able to make it in because her roads are so bad, but her husband has made it to work everyday and was out running errands yesterday. She wants to complain about how crazy she is at the house. Well why can't your hubby bring you to work? Then today she finally makes it in. She is late and she was the first to leave. Don't complain to me when it is your choices. There is no reason your hubby couldn't bring you to work at least yesterday.

I am about over this job. I like having a job to go to everyday, especially since it seems like the last few weeks have dragged on and I need something to keep me busy until J comes home. But really some of this crap is not my responsiblity. There are other things that I don't want to get into right now. I guess I just need to keep telling myself a few more months then I will be moving back to Fort Campbell to be with J and it will be nice to have that extra money in the bank.

Wedding rings

I bought J a Tungstun and carbon fiber wedding ring. Unfortunately it breaks his hand out. We just realized that was what was causing his rash right before he left. We always blamed it on other stuff, the chemicals at work, change in soap when he went to BCT, etc.

Before he left we went to WalMart and bought just a cheap gold band. I promised him that when he got back we would find him another wedding ring. I had been looking while he was gone, but didn't find anything I thought he would like.

While he was home for R&R we were just browsing and found a ring he really liked. Funny that is how we found my new ring as well, we weren't planning on buying me a ring till after he got home. Anyways just like mine it was on clearance and he really liked it so we felt it was meant to be his.

Because he has small fingers, of course it had to be sized. They called the other day and said it was in. I went today to pick it and it just hit me. The emotional wackjob that I keep hidden reared its ugly head. It was all I could do to make it to my car before I started to cry.

Why is it I do so well, then somehing just makes me bonkers? Maybe its the fact that I haven't heard from him since he left. Maybe its the fact that I haven't really allowed myself to be emotionally over him leaving again. Maybe its the fact that the first BCT from Ft Campbell to leave last year is starting to come home which means he will be home soon (ok a few months)

Snow, Snow, and More Snow

I never thought I would say this, but I am sick of the snow. We have had so much of it this winter. I can handle the cold weather and I usually like it when it snows, but this is ridiculous. We have had more snow days than I can ever remember. If I was someplace in the north I don't think I would mind since I would be expecting it. I woke up this morning to 3 inches of snow and they are calling for more through Tesday. It was fun the first couple times, because we took the boys sledding and I had someone to cuddle with, but this time the sled is demolished thanks to our sledding extravaganza and J is long gone.

Things I want to do in 2011

So if I put my goals out for 2011 I will be more likely to stick with them. I will fill like I have people to hold me accountable for my actions.

1. I want to loose some major lbs. J says he would like to see me in a top I wore a lot when we first started dating, because it made my boobs like huge. He says he doesn't care if I have to buy a new top, because he loves me just the way I am. So my goal is to wear that top to J's homecoming. Yes it is an appropriate top for something like that.

2.I want to get out of debt. With my student loans that will be kind of hard but if we can pay everything but my student loans off I will be happy.

3. My last goal I can't even begin to start till J gets home, but the thing I want the most is to get pregnant. I definitely would love to get pregnant right away that way I would know that J would be there for the birth and not on the other side of the world, but with my luck the Army will have other plans for him.

I don't think that my goals are unobtainable. I don't think that I am trying to do to much either. Fingers crossed that I will get to mark all 3 of these off my list. Well if I get pregnant I will have to wait to accomplish goal number 1 completely, but I will gladly do that and I will do my best to reach my goal before he gets home without killing myself.

What a day!

I woke up this morning and my shoulder was killing me. I must have slept wrong on. On top of that I had and still have a migraine. Some people would say oh thats bad enough, but oh no, my day gets worse from there.

I call to make an appointment with another mechanic to fix my car. I talked to him and explained my whole situation and he tells me that from the sounds he will have to take out my transmission to find the problem. And it will be next week before he can get to me bacause he got behind from the bad weather and the holidays. Ok I understand, but dammit that means I will be without a car for atleast 2 weeks. Oh man this sucks having to depend on others for rides and I can't just go somewhere because I want or need to go, I am going to have to either borrow a vehicle or bum a ride.

I get to work and my computer decides it is still not ready for it to be Monday and just sits there and beeps at me for like an hour and a half. On top of that it is the 3rd of the month which means all the disability people get their checks which means busy crazy day for work. So not a day to be having computer problems.

My brother decides it will be funny to call me and say that he had called another mechanic to come look at my car and he said that I need a new transmission and clutch. All I could do is cry so he then tells me that he is joking. The only thing I could do was tell him to go F*ck himself and hang up. Thank goodness he was only joking (I hope he doesn't jinx me)

My boss told me that the supervisor told her to tell me not to count on a bonus for December because I took the time off while J was home for R & R. Sorry I am in a postion that I don't have to work, so I sure as hell wasn't going to work while he was home. I think its kind of crappy though. I was there for part of the month, I don't think I deserve the bonus for the whole month, but I do think I deserve something. I did my job the days I was there. Oh well I wouldn't have changed the fact I took the time off if I would have known.

It is just one of those days that I wish J was home. Not sure what he could do to make it better, but it sure would be nice to have him wrap his arms around me and just hold me and tell me that everything is going to be alright. If he could just be here to help me deal with everything so I don't have to depend on everyone else to do this or that for me.

I know this is irrational, but it is days like this that I get so mad at him for being gone. I know that if given a choice he would rather be here with me. I also know all the reasons for him to enlist and it was not a decision that we took lightly and I knew the consequences of marrying a man that had enlisted in the military, but dammit I think I deserve to get pissed off unfortunately I know I am getting p/oed at the wrong person. Its just so much easier to be mad at him than someone else because he can't back talk or do something to make me more mad (Unless I look at the bank account and see he went on a shopping spree), I also don't have to worry about saying something that I would regret and I don't have to apologize for being irrational. It is good thing he knew all my faults and still decided to take me as I am.

Reflecting on 2010

2010 was a hard year. I moved away from my hometown, sent J off on a deployment, and found out that having a baby wasn't going to be as easy as it is for some. Through all the bad, I do have to say that I am truely blessed. I have an awesome family, terrific friends, and a man that loves the good, the bad, and the ugly when it comes to me.

Moving away for the first time was hard. It was an experience I am glad I am able to do. I only wish it was to some place that I had never been to before. If J stays in I hope that his next enlistment we PCS to somewhere that we would not have been able to go to otherwise.

The months leading up to J's deployment were crazy, with his training, trying to get everything together, seeing the people he needed to see, and make the most out of the time we had there wasn't alot of time for anything else. It didn't clearly hit me until we were packing his bags that this was really happening.

Putting J on that bus had to have been the hardest thing I have ever done. I stood there with so much pride in what he was doing, but my heart was breaking at the same time. I didn't know how I was going to make it through the next year with him gone.

2 weeks after he left I found out about the fertility issues that I have. Needless to say I was still emotional about him leaving and then to get hit with this. That was hard and I hated J for not being here .

I spent a lot of July and August traveling. I went to my Grandpa's in July to spend time with the family. Unfortunately I tore the ligaments in my ankle halfway through this vacation. I went to Alaska to visit some friend after that. It was an amazing experience. I wish I could have stayed longer and not been on crutches. I hope one day J and I can go back to explore.

Then not a lot happened until December, I started back working in October, but other than that it was just the normal day to day activities. J tried his best to make it home for my birthday. He made it 3 days late. It was the best 15 days I had in 6 months.

Can't believe it is already 2011. We are more than halfway through our first deployment. He will be home in the spring, unfortunately we won't have much time before we start gearing up for deployment #2. We are going to work on having a baby, even if we have to look into other means of having one. It is going to be a good year!