Realizations

Its been a few weeks since I have blogged. J got 30 days leave and we have been traveling and visiting. I have tried to sit down on several occasions to put my thoughts down but I have had so many things going on in my head that I couldn't get it together.

In the last 3 weeks I have come to a realization. My life in the civilian world is pretty much over. My civilian friends don't understand my military life. I am the only one that has made any kind of effort to keep these friendships going unless they needed something. J said something that pretty much summed things up. He said he was tired of chasing people that just have to see him while he is home, but don't make the effort to even communicate with him when he is 5 hours away.

Other than my family I don't feel like I have anyone that is truly there for me in the civilian world. Why? Because they don't know what its like to not sleep for days wondering if that knock is coming, or if he is going to come home a completely different man. They don't understand the pain and the heartache that comes with TBI test that doesn't come back clean.

The also don't understand the pride and the love it takes to stand out in the freezing cold to watch your man get off that plane. They don't understand the high of getting that first kiss in months. This is why I go through the things I do, because so far the highs in this life have been so much better than the lowest of the lows.

I have also come to realize that just because you are blood related it doesn't make you a family. For the most part my blood family is great, there are a few loose screws, but I didn't have much to do with them in the first place. Unfortunately J's blood family is entirely different. It is sad that it took 10 months in a war zone for us to finally realize who was there for us and who wasn't. Saying negative things, but thinking that its ok because you prayed for us is NOT alright by either of us. Saying you took care of him while he was gone but in reality didn't do a damn thing for him is not being a wonderful family member. And then they want to wonder why J doesn't want anything to do with them.

This life is not always easy. We have had our bumps in the road. You are either there for us or your not. If your not then don't expect us to be there for you.