Grrrrr

I haven't been blogging in a couple weeks, cause me life has just been absolutely crazy. It is tax time so it is long hours for me at work. I can not understand how people can make only a couple thousands of dollars and expect more in a tax return than what they made. REALLY people. Get a job all year long so you don't have to worry about only getting a small return. Or my favorite is the IRS delays their refund and its our fault at work. Excuse me I do not make the decisions for the IRS. GRRRRR I hate this time of year. It really makes me wonder what these people do in say May and they are broke. So I am working 50+ hours to be cussed at and have these people act like they are better than I am because they don't "have" to work all year just enough to get a return. I want to tell them "you know what I don't HAVE to work either, I have a husband that makes enough for us to survive comfortably and I am not fretting over when I get our tax return. I choose to work, you should try it sometime."

J called me last week to tell me there was an "incident" but he was alright. He then calls me on Friday night to tell me that he has to go in for a TBI scan. Scared the shit out of me. Thankfully his scan came back good. I was wound tighter than a tick for a couple days worried that there was something he wasn't telling me. I am sure there is stuff that he hasn't told me, but he is alive so I can deal with the rest of that stuff.

I went yesterday and cut my hair off. It amazes me how much better a new haircut can make a person feel. J probably won't like it because he likes my hair long, but it will grow long again and then I will get another wild hair and cut it off again.

Why O Why

I swear this has just been one of those weeks. Lets start with my car is still in the shop. My clutch was found to have the arms bent and the mechanic forgot to lubricate it before putting it in. So the old mechanic said that it was under warrenty. It was suppose to be here today, but guess what? It wasn't. I am so frustrated with all this. Thank goodness my brother works 3rds so I have been driving his truck, but it seems like he has had to have it every morning this week, so bumming rides then he get done he comes and gets me and I take my lunch break so that I can take him home.

I woke up Sunday with the worse sinus headache, ears hurt, throat hurts, just generally felt bad. Went to the dr and he gave me a steriod shot yesterday, so I have ate everything in sight and go from sweating to chilling. I hate steriods.

Monday I realize I had a virus on my laptop. Stupid Frostwire! Thankfully I was able to get it fixed rather quickly.

J has been able to call a couple times, but I feel like he is so distracted. I don't feel like he has really listened to me. I just can't wait for him to be home.

On a good note, my Dr said that if I wasn't pregnant by 6 months after J got home then he would refer us to a specialist. I am so ready for J to be home and get this ball rolling. My Dr is so funny he said when J gets home we need to "make love like rabbits" Lol I had to laugh when he said that. I finally feel like things are moving along, J will be home for longer time frame than a couple months at a time and we can really try to have a baby. Now if I can only change his mind about what he wants to name our baby if we have a boy (Yes we already have names picked out)

The starts to my spring cleaning

Since J will be home in the next few months and I will be moving back to Campbell, I started my spring cleaning. I have 6 garbage bags and 3 boxes full of stuff. I am talking clothes, books, decorations, purses, shoes, pretty much you name I got it to go. So I was looking around thinking how do I have so much stuff to get rid of? And how do I have so much stuff left? All this stuff is my stuff. Not J's,not my mom's, but MY stuff. I keep telling myself that I will have a yard sale, but in all reality I won't ever have one. Its to much of a hassle so off to the goodwill all this stuff will go. I am hoping I can get everything straightened out soon, my bedroom is turned upside down right now. Why is it when I clean I make a bigger mess that I have to straighten out? I keep telling myself that I won't accumilate so much stuff again, but who am I kidding? Come next year I will probably have just as much to get rid of.

Really?

I have talked before about the problems I have had with my car. So I take it to the new mechanic yesterday and it takes him about 5 seconds to figure out where the problem was. Unfortunately it could be a number of things ranging from very simple to very not so simple. He has to take out my whole transmission to find out exactly what the problem is. As he is closing the hood I notice that a part is missing. The old mechanic had forgotten to put on the tube to my air intake. I call the old mechanic and I am told that they have to look in the bin where they put the parts they forget to put back on. UMM WHAT?!?!?!?! This happens often enough you have a bin? So needless to say my dad was there picking up my part. At least they did not throw it out or something and I had to buy a new one. Needless to say I am even more upset then I was before.

So frustrated

A good way to start this is saying that I talked to J and I now know the month and the part of the month that he is suppose to be home. YAY!!!!! My love will be whole again. My Donut of Misery is saying that the light at the end of the tunnell is getting brighter. Yes, Yes it is. I have already got on the housing websites and looked at places for us to live. I am not doing anything just yet, but I can dream on.

So now the frustrating parts. I call his mom to let her know and when I tell her its like I told her that I told her something she did not want to hear. She says to me Oh have you seen J's stepbrother's (who I have never met and I think J has only met once) facebook. Umm no we are not friends on facebook. So she proceeds to tell me about it. Then I try to get back on J's homecoming and that he would like it if she could come at all possible and she tells me that she is going to AZ to see her new granddaughter. She is having withdraws from not seeing her since she was born 3 weeks ago. But she does want J to take leave and spend a week at the beach with the family 2 months after he gets back. I tell her that he gets block leave after he gets back so not sure if that would be possible. She didn't even seem dissappointed. I just don't get it.

Then we have had crazy snow since last week. My boss has not been able to make it in because her roads are so bad, but her husband has made it to work everyday and was out running errands yesterday. She wants to complain about how crazy she is at the house. Well why can't your hubby bring you to work? Then today she finally makes it in. She is late and she was the first to leave. Don't complain to me when it is your choices. There is no reason your hubby couldn't bring you to work at least yesterday.

I am about over this job. I like having a job to go to everyday, especially since it seems like the last few weeks have dragged on and I need something to keep me busy until J comes home. But really some of this crap is not my responsiblity. There are other things that I don't want to get into right now. I guess I just need to keep telling myself a few more months then I will be moving back to Fort Campbell to be with J and it will be nice to have that extra money in the bank.

Wedding rings

I bought J a Tungstun and carbon fiber wedding ring. Unfortunately it breaks his hand out. We just realized that was what was causing his rash right before he left. We always blamed it on other stuff, the chemicals at work, change in soap when he went to BCT, etc.

Before he left we went to WalMart and bought just a cheap gold band. I promised him that when he got back we would find him another wedding ring. I had been looking while he was gone, but didn't find anything I thought he would like.

While he was home for R&R we were just browsing and found a ring he really liked. Funny that is how we found my new ring as well, we weren't planning on buying me a ring till after he got home. Anyways just like mine it was on clearance and he really liked it so we felt it was meant to be his.

Because he has small fingers, of course it had to be sized. They called the other day and said it was in. I went today to pick it and it just hit me. The emotional wackjob that I keep hidden reared its ugly head. It was all I could do to make it to my car before I started to cry.

Why is it I do so well, then somehing just makes me bonkers? Maybe its the fact that I haven't heard from him since he left. Maybe its the fact that I haven't really allowed myself to be emotionally over him leaving again. Maybe its the fact that the first BCT from Ft Campbell to leave last year is starting to come home which means he will be home soon (ok a few months)

Snow, Snow, and More Snow

I never thought I would say this, but I am sick of the snow. We have had so much of it this winter. I can handle the cold weather and I usually like it when it snows, but this is ridiculous. We have had more snow days than I can ever remember. If I was someplace in the north I don't think I would mind since I would be expecting it. I woke up this morning to 3 inches of snow and they are calling for more through Tesday. It was fun the first couple times, because we took the boys sledding and I had someone to cuddle with, but this time the sled is demolished thanks to our sledding extravaganza and J is long gone.

Things I want to do in 2011

So if I put my goals out for 2011 I will be more likely to stick with them. I will fill like I have people to hold me accountable for my actions.

1. I want to loose some major lbs. J says he would like to see me in a top I wore a lot when we first started dating, because it made my boobs like huge. He says he doesn't care if I have to buy a new top, because he loves me just the way I am. So my goal is to wear that top to J's homecoming. Yes it is an appropriate top for something like that.

2.I want to get out of debt. With my student loans that will be kind of hard but if we can pay everything but my student loans off I will be happy.

3. My last goal I can't even begin to start till J gets home, but the thing I want the most is to get pregnant. I definitely would love to get pregnant right away that way I would know that J would be there for the birth and not on the other side of the world, but with my luck the Army will have other plans for him.

I don't think that my goals are unobtainable. I don't think that I am trying to do to much either. Fingers crossed that I will get to mark all 3 of these off my list. Well if I get pregnant I will have to wait to accomplish goal number 1 completely, but I will gladly do that and I will do my best to reach my goal before he gets home without killing myself.

What a day!

I woke up this morning and my shoulder was killing me. I must have slept wrong on. On top of that I had and still have a migraine. Some people would say oh thats bad enough, but oh no, my day gets worse from there.

I call to make an appointment with another mechanic to fix my car. I talked to him and explained my whole situation and he tells me that from the sounds he will have to take out my transmission to find the problem. And it will be next week before he can get to me bacause he got behind from the bad weather and the holidays. Ok I understand, but dammit that means I will be without a car for atleast 2 weeks. Oh man this sucks having to depend on others for rides and I can't just go somewhere because I want or need to go, I am going to have to either borrow a vehicle or bum a ride.

I get to work and my computer decides it is still not ready for it to be Monday and just sits there and beeps at me for like an hour and a half. On top of that it is the 3rd of the month which means all the disability people get their checks which means busy crazy day for work. So not a day to be having computer problems.

My brother decides it will be funny to call me and say that he had called another mechanic to come look at my car and he said that I need a new transmission and clutch. All I could do is cry so he then tells me that he is joking. The only thing I could do was tell him to go F*ck himself and hang up. Thank goodness he was only joking (I hope he doesn't jinx me)

My boss told me that the supervisor told her to tell me not to count on a bonus for December because I took the time off while J was home for R & R. Sorry I am in a postion that I don't have to work, so I sure as hell wasn't going to work while he was home. I think its kind of crappy though. I was there for part of the month, I don't think I deserve the bonus for the whole month, but I do think I deserve something. I did my job the days I was there. Oh well I wouldn't have changed the fact I took the time off if I would have known.

It is just one of those days that I wish J was home. Not sure what he could do to make it better, but it sure would be nice to have him wrap his arms around me and just hold me and tell me that everything is going to be alright. If he could just be here to help me deal with everything so I don't have to depend on everyone else to do this or that for me.

I know this is irrational, but it is days like this that I get so mad at him for being gone. I know that if given a choice he would rather be here with me. I also know all the reasons for him to enlist and it was not a decision that we took lightly and I knew the consequences of marrying a man that had enlisted in the military, but dammit I think I deserve to get pissed off unfortunately I know I am getting p/oed at the wrong person. Its just so much easier to be mad at him than someone else because he can't back talk or do something to make me more mad (Unless I look at the bank account and see he went on a shopping spree), I also don't have to worry about saying something that I would regret and I don't have to apologize for being irrational. It is good thing he knew all my faults and still decided to take me as I am.

Reflecting on 2010

2010 was a hard year. I moved away from my hometown, sent J off on a deployment, and found out that having a baby wasn't going to be as easy as it is for some. Through all the bad, I do have to say that I am truely blessed. I have an awesome family, terrific friends, and a man that loves the good, the bad, and the ugly when it comes to me.

Moving away for the first time was hard. It was an experience I am glad I am able to do. I only wish it was to some place that I had never been to before. If J stays in I hope that his next enlistment we PCS to somewhere that we would not have been able to go to otherwise.

The months leading up to J's deployment were crazy, with his training, trying to get everything together, seeing the people he needed to see, and make the most out of the time we had there wasn't alot of time for anything else. It didn't clearly hit me until we were packing his bags that this was really happening.

Putting J on that bus had to have been the hardest thing I have ever done. I stood there with so much pride in what he was doing, but my heart was breaking at the same time. I didn't know how I was going to make it through the next year with him gone.

2 weeks after he left I found out about the fertility issues that I have. Needless to say I was still emotional about him leaving and then to get hit with this. That was hard and I hated J for not being here .

I spent a lot of July and August traveling. I went to my Grandpa's in July to spend time with the family. Unfortunately I tore the ligaments in my ankle halfway through this vacation. I went to Alaska to visit some friend after that. It was an amazing experience. I wish I could have stayed longer and not been on crutches. I hope one day J and I can go back to explore.

Then not a lot happened until December, I started back working in October, but other than that it was just the normal day to day activities. J tried his best to make it home for my birthday. He made it 3 days late. It was the best 15 days I had in 6 months.

Can't believe it is already 2011. We are more than halfway through our first deployment. He will be home in the spring, unfortunately we won't have much time before we start gearing up for deployment #2. We are going to work on having a baby, even if we have to look into other means of having one. It is going to be a good year!