Time

Where does the time go? I never seem to have enough time anymore. I wake and its August 1st, I blink and its the middle of the month. There just doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day anymore. I haven't been neglecting my blog or reading other blogs on purpose, its that I need more time in my day to get everything accomplished.

RIP

31 lost, 31 unwanted visits, 31 doors receive that dreaded knock, 31 families with shattered hearts, 31 pairs of boots lined up with rifles, dog tags and helmets, 31 comrades remembered and grieved for, 31 funeral services, 31 names on newly made grave markers, 31 empty places at the table, 31 souls who gave all and whose lives leave a void.


I meant to post this last night, but I fell asleep. This is the biggest fear of any family member of US military. My thoughts and prayers are with these families affected.

Move the F*^$ over

So one of my many pet peeves is not getting over for emergency vehicles. Yesterday me and J were on our way to Nashville and there was a major wreck on the interstate. So bad it blocked traffic on both the east and west bound lanes. Yeah it was BAD!!!! So we are sitting in traffic and hear sirens (obviously) once J realized the the sirens were coming from behind us he pulled his little car off into the median to allow the emergency vehicles to pass. But guess what none of the vehicles that were in front of us did anything to try to make a way for them to pass. Guess they didn't want to get there vehicles dirty since the median was muddy. I was so mad that I wanted to get out IN THE RAIN and go knock on all those vehicles to tell them to move the f*ck over.

I also would like to ask these same inconsiderate people how they would feel if a loved one was involved in that accident, and because of them not moving for the emergency personnel, that loved one died. The matter of minutes in an emergency situation can be life or death.

What is really bad is that in the state of TN it is a $500 fine for not getting over for emergency vehicles. Now I am not sure how they enforce this since they have bigger issues to deal with, but I think it would be nice for those inconsiderate SOBs to get a nice little ticket from TDOT or the state troopers or somebody just to say F*ck you, you should have got your wheels dirty and moved over.

New beginnings

J went to his first counseling session this week. I think just that one session has helped immensely. That probably sounds crazy to some of you, but there is just so much inside of him that he needs to get out, starting way back at his childhood before his dad passed away. The counselor wants to start off just talking with J, then eventually add me into the sessions. So he goes once a week for the month of August and then I will start going at the end of the month. J told me the night after the first session that he has never felt so good about the stuff from his past before. He was just amazed at how much he opened up to a complete stranger. He has even talked to me about stuff that in the 6 1/2 years together he has never even mentioned. He has told me about the day his dad died, which before he has always said he didn't want to talk about it. I didn't ask he just told then I asked questions and he answered them, which really surprised me. I hope that he continues to thrive with these sessions especially since he really didn't want to go in the first place, but now he is eager for his next session. I think he has finally seen he can move past his past and that it doesn't have to hinder his future. I just wish that if I would have known that counseling would help him this much that I would have encouraged him to go sooner,

Rough spot

A lot has happened since the last post I made. I lot of things that I needed to figure out on my own, and things me and J had to work on.

My last post talked about a decision to stay here at Fort Campbell or PCS to JBLM. We have decided that what is best for us is to stay here at Campbell. I am a little disappointed, just because of the adventure of moving on the other side of the country, but at this time for J's career, both in the military and once he gets out, it is best we stay here.

I have found a job. YAY!!! for a paycheck. Its really not what I wanted to do, but I do have some options that I am looking at. I just don't want to be a job hopper.

The thing that has really kept me from blogging is my marriage has hit a rough spot. I can't put the blame on either of us since we both have issues that need to be worked on. We have decided that we want to work them out so we are taking the steps to make our marriage stronger. Its not that we don't love each other, its that we both have issues that need to be worked on.

For pretty much the entire time we have been married we have been separated due to training and a deployment. So for 2 years I have been the one that had to make sure the bills got paid, that things were taken care of at home, if the car broke down I had to figure out how to get it fixed. J hasn't had to worry about that stuff. When he was deployed I didn't really tell him about the different stuff just because I didn't want to add stress on him. So pretty much for 2 years I have been on my own. It is really hard to just up and give someone else part of that control, I still feel like everything is still on me and my responsibility, which makes me mad because I don't feel like J is taking on any responsibility.

On J's part, for 2 years he has pretty much lived with other men and at times hygiene was not a top priority. He has also had some anger issues. So sometimes I think he forgets that he is living with a woman that is not a complete slob. Sometimes his mouth is a little crude and will talk to me in a condescending tone or will yell and cuss at me, and sometimes he doesn't pick up after himself.

It's like he is a child at times and I am his mother. I have to ask him to do stuff around the house, when it is obvious that it needs to get done. It didn't bother me so bad that he didn't do much around the house when I wasn't working, but now that I am, I need help. Some days I want to yell at him "If you want a maid, hire one. If you want a mother, move back in with yours."

So how do we fix something that has almost gotten out of control? First we bought the book The 5 Love Languages and we are working on trying to follow that. J starts counseling on Tuesday for his anger and other issues. We are not opposed to marriage counseling if these things don't work. I am trying to give up some of my control of things and give him responsibilities. We are in this for the long haul, we just need to get through this rough patch.

Decisions

J came home today and said "We need to talk" Before he enlisted that translated to "I got laid off", since he has to do something REALLY bad to get kicked out of the Army I wasn't to worried about that.

He proceeds to tell me that he and his 1SGT were talking and we now have 1 week to decide if we want to PCS to Joint Base Lewis-McChord. This was on top of my wish list, but now that it could possibly be a reality, it scares the shit out of me. It is a move across the country, to an area neither of us know anything about far away from our families (ok that scares me more than J, but still). We do have friends that are stationed there so we wouldn't totally be alone.

We need to figure out what is best for us, so I am going to list my pros and cons list here.

Pros of Fort Campbell- close to hometown, already sort of established here,

Cons of Fort Campbell- deploying next summer, having problems finding a job

Pros of JBLM- never been before and there is a lot of places I want to explore, the Clarks are there, won't have to deploy the rest of this enlistment, it was on my wish list, better chance of getting pregnant since J won't have rotations for training at different posts

Cons of JBLM- on the other side of the country, not sure how the job market is

Those are all I can think of right now, I am sure there are more, but my mind has been so jumbled up that I can't think clearly right now. It looks like the pros of JBLM outweigh the cons and Fort Campbell, but we will just need to see where this goes.

I just can't!

I have tried to sit down and blog a couple of times since my last post. I have so much going through my head that I need to get out, but when I sit down to write, I can't. I can't get my thoughts together. I can't concentrate on what I am doing. I just can't.

On Father's Day I was going to write about it being Father's Day and how great my Dad and Grandpa are. How I hope this is J's last not being a father. But all I could get out was ... nothing.

I have wanted to talk about our new dog and how we are adjusting and the silly things she does. Still ... nothing

I needed to get out my frustrations and my impatience of not getting pregnant, when there are so many woman it comes so easily to. Yep, still nothing.

Or what about my frustrations and impatience of not finding a job... Nada!

So maybe one day I will be able to sit down and just get it all out, but it doesn't look like it will be in the near future.